Porn

Before I begin, my focus here is on mainstream and ethical porn. Any porn which includes images of a child is completely unacceptable and is not within the scope of this article. The porn actors I speak of here do the work willingly, with pleasure, and from within their embodied consent.

Fun, evil, bliss, hellish, addictive, exciting, abhorent, essential, forbidden … whatever your view on porn there will be someone with an equal and opposite view on the subject and its content. One aspect that is undeniable about most mainstream porn is … it is not real.

Created in a studio with hours of preparation for the actors’ bodies to reach their peak erotic state, hours of editing by artists in the studio and millions of dollars spent to enhance every aspect of this forbidden fruit works to normalise the impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I think ethically produced porn (yes that exists) can be loads of fun and a great source of erotic pleasure, feeding the imagination and expanding people’s erotic language. The elements of porn I do see as harmful though, are the aspects that normalise unrealistic performance and frame viewers with unrealistic expectations. The people the ‘show’ is designed to excite, can ultimately be the source of their sexual difficulties.

My grandmother’s words “everything in moderation” were never meant for porn (enter the room of shame!) but porn is with us for better or worse so time to unlock the door of shame and come to terms with what is. Let’s say healthy porn is produced ethically, the viewer finds it fun and uses it in moderation. Unhealthy porn then, is that which causes someone harm, either in the making, compulsive viewing, or the extension of the viewers sexual world. For example, the viewer may feel their ability to become aroused without porn is diminished, they may believe all women want anal (not true), foreplay is a thing of the past (again, not true), or they believe sexual behaviours that extend beyond their partners boundaries is okay. No. It is not okay to extend beyond any partners boundaries. Ever.

For people struggling with unhealthy porn watching, you are not a ‘porn addict’. This is an unhelpful term and pathologizes troubling turn-ons and urges. At the core of unhealthy porn use is often a supressed or shame-loaded erotic being (Jack Morin, The Erotic Mind, 1995). What are some of the ways we can regulate porn watching and bring it back from unhealthy places?

Working with an experienced, non-judgemental, sexological professional who is trained in somatic experiencing will help unwrap the underlying issues and re-wire new pathways. In this work, the first step is often to recognise and release supressed emotions, and then the body can be open to learn about anatomy, the pleasure zones of our own bodies, our partners pleasures, nervous system regulation, and arousal regulation. Learning about what turns us on, expanding our somatic language around the erotic, and developing tools to regulate arousal systems all help turn the porn struggle into a life changing opportunity.

As always, feel free to reach out if you want to discuss this topic.

All the best,

Sonia.

The Judgment of Paris by Marcantonio Raimondi (after Raphael). Photograph: The Whitworth, The University of Manchester