Jake

I share insights from my client’s recent bodywork journey, with his permission, and with the pseudonym “Jake”.

Jake is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

It is hard turning up at my studio for the first time, like, what do you do with a “sexologist”?! First things first, you don’t have sex with them. And once you are there, I’m sure Jake would say “it ain’t so bad”. The space is calm and I am pretty normal. So now that is out of the way what then?

Breathe. 

Getting deep belly breathing going, moving the diaphragm, long slow exhale, and feeling what is going on inside, is often a great place to start. Jake lay on his back, hands on belly, watching and feeling his breath and body. Later he noted that a few embodied breaths felt useful at work and home in managing his emotional state. I am sure he thought this was a bit of a side dish though as his primary focus in working with me was how to deal with troublesome kinks, premature ejaculation, and erectile difficulties.

The trauma of childhood sexual abuse was at the seat of these issues and needed gentle untangling. Learning to regulate the nervous system was an important first step. Knowledge, acceptance, and rewiring patterns were then able to follow. While Jake knows his body, like many, the genital anatomy lesson gave him pieces of new information like the journey of the sperm, where his most sensitive places are, and how to up- and down-regulate arousal in those and other places.

A couple of weeks later Jake arrived standing taller, jawline relaxed, I asked how he was feeling and with a quirky I’ve-had-great-sex smile said, “really good”. He loved the breathing and embodied self-pleasure (ESP) practice.

The abuse had woven into Jake complex scars of shame, anger, and confusing emotions. The book Erotic Minds by Jack Morin helped him put reason to some of it and practicing ESP was working its tricks too. Yet long withheld emotions get stuck deep in the body, no amount of “knowledge” will release them. So, I held him. Laying down with his back leaning against my front, he was simply held. No agenda. Talking when he wanted to. Something deep shifted in Jake. Big emotions moved.

In my experience, holding is one of the most profound bodywork practices. The two bodies establish an interpersonal vibration that is felt in the nervous system as safety. Knowing there is no judgement in the room, feeling trust, and permission, tears often flow. This is an opportunity to slowly go deeper than before.

Being able to “last a bit longer” was one thing Jake really wanted to work on. In the fourth session I guided him in regulating his pleasure and arousal up and down for 40 minutes. He was chuffed. The next couple of weeks he practiced “cycling”.

The fifth session, and for now the last one, (he plans to return for couples work with his partner) I worked on scar tissue. He has a few scars but this one was old, causing reduced sensations and restricted movement. While I worked on his scar tissue he entered a kind of trance space and shared more of his story. As Jake noticed sensations and movement in his hand, he looked at it as if the light just came on and it was suddenly his own.

We speak in different dialects, Jake and me. In early sessions Jake would say “you’re a legend”. After his fifth bodywork session, he said “you’re a weapon”. I am pretty sure that means “you’re okay Sonia, thank you.”

Thank you Jake, you are an inspiration.

Pic of Sonia Waters by Niel Grainger, Australia, 2020.