Stella
This is the story of a brave young woman who I will call Stella, a shining star. Stella has given permission for me to share these snippets of her journey with you.
Stella’s psychologist referred her to me, Sonia Waters a somatic sexologist. As a teenager Stella was sexually abused. In her twenties Stella questioned her ability to orgasm as her sexual experiences didn’t match up with what she saw (on TV) and heard (with friends) to be the ‘normal’ orgasm; The Big O was absent. When she asked her mother about orgasm, her horrified reply “don’t ask me about that I am your mother!” sent Stella’s question underground.
Stella is a survivor with a husband who loves her and a bunch of tiny humans who look to her lovingly as Mother. Stella’s desire to connect with her husband was confounded with his desire to ‘make’ her orgasm. The shadow of trauma and pressure to ‘do’ the Big ‘O’ turned sex into a task, an act of endurance with the sole purpose of making him feel satisfied. But her heart ached. So she bravely opened the door to somatic sexology.
In somatic work the focus is firmly in the present moment and felt sense. Mind, body, emotional, and felt senses are one. Breathing with deep diaphragm movements allowed Stella to notice electric tingles in her hands and feet. And tears. Her knees spoke to her and she listened. They needed to be held. Her limbs craved strong holding and stretching. She learned how to feel those feels. She practiced asking for the touch that allowed those feels. Stella’s magic took a new dimension when she invited her husband to the embodiment sessions. He was willing to do anything for her … he just wanted to know how.
Stella learned to ask her man for the exact touch she wanted. They soaked in the spa under the trees and he massaged her feet. She lay on the massage table, directing his touch, he and she breathing with long slow exhales, slow touch, guided by her felt sense, using words to communicate. Stella directed strong touch, soft touch, holding knees, stretching arms, clitoral stroking. She described feeling tingles and warm electric tickly bits, in her limbs, belly, and genitals. Stella was radiating.
Stella continues to work her way out of the tangled web of socially constructed factors that held her captive. Trauma had closed her sensations in a bid to protect her from harm. She can now feel safety. She has reclaimed her voice. Her man earned her trust. Media broadcast messages of Big ‘O’s were replaced. Curiosity for the wild and wonderful tingles at the edges rose from her embodied sense of self, directing and building waves massaged into her gracious limbs. Stella is developing her orgasmic code … she is replacing ‘O’ with her unique ‘o o o’.
