Ejaculation Choice
Client question: I want to extend my penetration time prior to orgasm. I can use deep breath and PC muscle clenching to postpone ejaculation in self practice, but not with a partner. How can I be insider her longer before I cum?
There are a few aspects to intimacy we can work on here to support more choice around ejaculation. Areas I would be working with you on are:
1. Arousal levels – on an arousal scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is off the chart orgasm, at what level do you enter your partner? If penetrating at a 7 or higher there is no time to regulate. I would coach you in down regulation and encourage you to practice in the 3 to 5 arousal zones and finding the sweet spot where you have just enough engorgement to penetrate.
2. Body position – are you in missionary for example and holding too much tension in your body? Do you go for the most arousing position strait away? If that’s the case, work out what is a relaxed comfortable position to start and experiment.
3. Attention - where is your attention? Are you ‘chasing' her arousal? looking at the most arousing part of her body? fantasising? If so, shift your attention to breath, sensations, where you are on the arousal scale, and bring yourself back down the scale (the square breath is especially good for down regulating slowly). Encourage your attention away from orgasm and be fully present with what is.
4. Communication – are you able to tell her where you are at in your ejaculation choice journey and able to ask her to slow down when you need her to? Ask for what you want, take turns to give and receive. Clarity in communication is vital and tricky. My amazing friend and colleague Wala Truscott talks about one being a hammer and the other being a nail –being hammered or getting nailed is a bit painful but getting them communicating with eachother is the only way to build your castle.
5. Detective work – what is different between your solo practice and partner sex that is supporting you in lasting as long as you want solo, apart from breath and clenching your PC muscles? Find that nugget of gold and experiment in partner sex.
6. Anatomy – it might be that you are clenching your PC muscles too late to hold the ejaculate when in penetration. Use a circle breath and awareness to relax and keep still rather than clench.
7. The Alchemy of Slow – slow the truck down. Notice the spaces between the breath, the movement, and make sounds especially on the exhale. Feel the vibration of the sound. With slow movement together make a game of playing your arousal up the scale together and then back down again. Don’t go higher than 7 or 8 and spend plenty of time around 2 to 4. Play with breath, sound, touch and movement to journey up and down the arousal scale.
Practice these all individually, and then slowly weave them together. See what comes of it and let me know how you go.
Warm wishes,
Sonia.
